How to Practice the Magical Art of Connecting with Teenagers

It does feel like magic to try and practice the art of connecting with teenagers. They certainly make it difficult but it is not impossible if you can understand their reality.

Full disclosure I do not live with teenagers yet. I cannot even start to imagine how difficult this might be. Just looking back at my teen years brings on a deep sense of shame for how I interacted with my parents. My parents sacrificed so much for me and I was the most ungrateful brat. Nonetheless, I console myself with the idea that I didn’t know any better.

A Litte Help From Neuroscience

If we take the time to look at neuroscience, and how the brain develops during teen years then the shame and guilt subsides a little. I now understand that the teenage body after puberty is programmed to search for new people and experiences. From a survival perspective, this makes a lot of sense. Teenagers after puberty experience ripe bodies for reproduction. The human race has a much higher chance of surviving if the gene pool is mixed. Evolution says that it is a good idea to search outside of the family genetics for a mate. This deep-seated biological desire means that parents who were once at the center of a teen’s existence suddenly become an obstacle in their lives.

From the parent perspective, they suddenly see their teen moving away from them without explanation. I have met many parents during parent-teacher interviews who were visibly hurt by the way their teenagers’ sudden dislike of them. I usually would take a few minutes to explain this developmental milestone to parents and this always seemed to bring temporary comfort and reassurance that they were not the problem.

They Still Crave Your Approval

As a high school teacher who was constantly discussing life with my students, I often had a privileged seat to their opinions and grievances towards their parents. They show up guns blazing and hateful but they still expect their parents to be calm and loving. They still crave approval and connection with their parents even if this is hard to believe at times. Most of them truly are trying their best and are dealing with fairly hard realities.

Things to Remember about Your Teens Reality

There are a few key things to remember about the teenage reality:

• They are struggling with their self-image, both physical and mental. They are going through a rapid period of change and growth and often they can’t even keep up.
• They have hormonal surges that come out of nowhere and don’t truly know how to handle them.
• They actually feel bad when they lash out at someone or are mad
• Adults know that they need to get things wrong before they can get it right but they don’t.
• They are stressed. especially older teens who work part-time jobs, go to school and are trying to maintain a social life.
• They are undergoing a period of rapid change and growth and often they can’t even keep up.

If you think back about your teen years, what was that like for you? Did you express some similar behaviors?

Nonetheless, Connecting is Important

All of these facts mean that as a parent, connecting with teenagers can be a daunting task. Nonetheless, connecting with your teenager is crucial for their development and for maintaining a strong relationship. They won’t be teenagers forever and you will get to enjoy them (hopefully) on the other side of teenagehood.

Tips to Connect with Teenagers

Here are some tips to help you connect with your teenager as a parent:

1-Listen Actively

One of the most important things you can do to connect with your teenager is to actively listen to them. This means giving them your undivided attention and showing that you are interested in what they have to say. Ask them questions about their interests, their friends, and their thoughts and feelings. Show that you value their opinion and that you are there for them.

2- Be Present

In addition to actively listening, it is important to be physically present in your teenager’s life. Attend their extracurricular activities, events, and performances. Take an interest in their hobbies and spend time doing things together. This shows your teenager that you care about their life and that you want to be a part of it. Also don’t forget that it is not impossible that you can learn a thing or two from them!

3- Respect their Autonomy

While it is important to be present in your teenager’s life, it is also important to respect their autonomy. Teenagers are at a stage where they are seeking independence and trying to establish their own identity. Respect their choices and opinions, even if you don’t always agree with them. This will show them that you trust and respect them, which can help build a stronger relationship.

4-Set Boundaries

While respecting your teenager’s autonomy, it is also important to set boundaries. This can help them feel secure and can prevent them from engaging in risky behavior. Set clear rules and consequences for breaking them, but also be willing to discuss and negotiate when appropriate.

5- Be Open and Honest

Teenagers are often wary of adults who they perceive as being dishonest or hypocritical. Be open and honest with your teenager, even about difficult or uncomfortable topics. This can help build trust and establish a strong foundation for your relationship.

6-Don’t be afraid to Seek Professional Help When Needed

If you are having difficulty connecting with your teenager or if you are concerned about their mental health or behavior, seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide valuable guidance and support for both you and your teenager.

After all that, hopefully, you can truly see why practicing the magical art of connecting with teenagers requires some thought. As a parent requires presence first and foremost. If you are trying to connect with your teen, and you want to do right by them then you are already a great parent.

I have seen some kids go through a really rough time during their teenage years following many of them from the age of 12 until 17. The lesson I retained is that they find their way. It is not always a straight line and it is not always what the parents wanted but they do manage to find their own purpose.

Be patient, Connecting with Teenagers will be Worth it in Adulthood

Be patient, they are watching you and learning from you every day. Your family values will shine through their choices. And hopefully, most will come back to you in adulthood and probably apologize for their ungrateful behavior as a teen. Being present today will ensure that your relationship with your child will continue to grow long after they are out of this daunting time.